You are here

Just for Fun - Science Jokes and Puns

A whole gaggle of Science Puns brought to you by William Wellnitz, former Georgia State Science Olympiad Director.  100% Guaranteed to cause groaning and eye rolling.  Who says science has to be all serious all the time!?!

A1.  A biologist, an engineer, and a mathematician were observing an empty building.  They noted two people entering the building and sometime later observed three coming out.
 The biologist remarked, "Oh they must have reproduced."
 The engineer said, "Our initial count must have been incorrect"
 The mathematician stated, "Now if one more person goes into the building it will be completely empty."

B1. The optimist sees a glass as half full.  The pessimist sees it as half empty.  The engineer sees a glass that is twice as big as it needs to be.

A2. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were given a red rubber ball land told to find the volume.  

The mathematician measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral; 

the physicist placed the ball in a beaker of water and measured the total displacement; while

 The engineer looked up the model and serial number in his red-rubber-ball table.

 

A3. The doctor tells a woman that she has only six months to live.  He advises her to marry a chemist and move to Toledo.  

The woman asks, "Will this cure my illness?"
 "No," replies the doctor, "but it will make six months seem like a very long time."

 

A4. The Doctor says to his patient, "I sorry but I have some terrible news.  You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's."
 The patient says, "Oh doctor that is awful...but at least I don't have cancer."
 

A7 Two physicists walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

B1. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!

 

B2. A chemist (or physicist) is someone who didn't have the personality to become an engineer.

B3. Q: Why was astrology invented?
A: To make psychology look like an accurate science. 

 

B6.How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.

B7. How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
 Only one, but it takes eight million years.

B8.How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?
 Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

C1.Two molecules are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
 "No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" 

"I'm positive!"

 

 

C2. Q:  What substance is represented by "HIJKLMNO"

A:  Water because it is H to O

 

C3. What is 1 x 10^-18 male children?  An attoboy

C4. what is 10^-6 phones is one microphone

C5. 2000 mocking birds is two kilomocking bird

C6. My name is bond, Ionic Bond. I like my electrons taken, not shared.

 

C7. A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a beer.

       The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

C8. Where does bad light end up?

Answer: In a prism!

 


THE 15 SHORTEST BOOKS EVER READ BY BIOLOGISTS 

15. Career Opportunities for Wildlife Majors

14. How to invest your extra money

13. America's Most Popular Environmental Laws

12. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

11. The Nation's Best Smelling Fisheries Biologists

10. An Entomologist's Guide to Picking Up Chicks

9. Chemical Reaction: The Lab Chemist and the Art of Dinner Conversation

8. Managing grazing for perpetuity: Bureau of Land Management technical
bulletin #16

7. How to cut project costs by using environmental consultants

6. "Environment First!" by Rush Limbaugh

5. A Republican Party Guide to Environmental Awareness

4. "Coots are waterfowl, too" by Ducks Unlimited

3. Gun Control for The New Millennium: NRA Handbook

2. "Towards More Colorful and Picturesque Writing" by the editors of The
Journal of Wildlife Management

and the Number One shortest book read by Biologists is

1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

What is 10^12 male bovine?  It's terabull

 

 B4. A physicist, biologist and a mathematician were out hunting and came across a large deer.  The physicist shot at it but missed by a meter to the left.  The biologist fired and missed by a meter to the right.  The mathematician shouted with joy, "We got it! We got it! The average shot was direct hit."

 

B5. Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field one fine summer day.
While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks. "Look!
a pair of tracks" The first blonde said while pointing to the ground.
"Those are deer tracks," the other blonde replied. "Oh no," she said to
the first, "Those are definitely moose tracks." With this, they began to
argue. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them. 
 

 

A5 .A scientist investigating behavior in bullfrogs notices that when startled by a loud noise the frog jumps.  Deciding to experiment further he yells "Jump"and notes that the frog jumps a distance of six feet.  He then cuts off a front leg, yells jump and the frog jumps five feet.  

He cuts off the other front leg, yells jump; the frog jumps 3 feet. 

 He cuts off a back leg, yells jump; the frog barely manages to jump 6 inches. 

 Cutting off the last leg when he yells jump the frog doesn't move.  He again says jump only  louder; the frog doesn't move. 

In his notebook the scientist concludes: "A frog with no legs is deaf."
 

A6. A chemist, a physicist, and a biologist go to the beach. The physicist is intrigued by the waves, walks into the ocean to examine them and drowns.

The biologist is intrigued by the various forms of life, walks into the ocean to study them, and drowns.

The chemist is sitting on the beach with a lab notebook and writes “Biologists and physicists are soluble in water.”

 

 

 A biologist from UGA, a Chemist from U of Alabama. and an engineer from 
GaTech are all captured by the taliban in Afghanistan.  They are all 
sentenced to be executed on the same day.  On the morning of the execution all 
three are brought to the town square where they have set up a guillotine.  The
Biologist is brought up first.  

 

The executioner asks him if he has any 
last words so he shouts :Go Dogs! and puts his head into the guillotine.  The
executioner pulls the handle and the blade goes halfway down and stops. 
 

The official in charge shouts ”It is Allah’s will” and releases the 
biologist.


Next they bring up the Chemist and ask him the same question.  He 
shouts “Roll Tide” and puts his head into the guillotine.  The same thing 
happens; the blade stops and the prisoner is released.  Finally the engineer is
brought up and they ask him the same question; “Do you have any last 
words?”


The engineer replied “If you just tighten that bolt, the blade will 
come all the way down.”

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration."Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles."Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.